Why is talking to people in college so hard?
Incredibly long list of reasons ensues…
Our present day requires strong communication skills, and there’s no getting around it. The best networking opportunities, the best friendships, and oftentimes the best experiences require the dreaded socialization.
Especially in college.
That girl you’d like to ask out, the people you’d like to become friends with, and so on are all locked in the chest of conversation.
Unfortunately, it really is hard to speak sometimes. At one time, my social anxiety crippled me to the point of having no friends within a 500 mile radius.
I’ve been through the trenches, and I’ve tried every charisma guru trick you can imagine.
Some have worked, but few are worth your time. There is definitely excellent information out on the internet and in books (like The Charisma Myth). However, you can skip spending hours upon hours watching videos on how many times you can make eye contact in a conversation. Those are almost certainly not going to make any significant difference.
So, in this post, I’ll outline the three tips that transformed my ability to talk to people at my university.
First tip: get out there!
Before I left home to go to university, I made the decision to force myself to go to every social event on campus (excluding parties) I could find once I got there.
I don’t expect everyone to make such a radical commitment. Furthermore, not every event was beneficial in terms of me meeting new people and talking to people in college.
Indeed, most of my friends came from a minuscule percentage of the events I went to.
The crux of my advice, then, is choose where and how you spend your time in social settings wisely. You cannot (read: cannot) stay at home or your dorm on your computer perpetually if you want to meet new people.
Instead, go somewhere you can meet like-minded people. I’m a Christian, so I went to a church and their campus ministry; it was an excellent decision.
Gamer? PC or console gaming club. Chess? Chess club. Books? Book club. Netflix? Film society (seriously, even if you’re not into film “like that,” you should consider trying new things). You get the idea.
Follow up on your commitment!
Once you’re there, introduce yourself to someone. Oftentimes organizations will have greeters, but either way, don’t be afraid to walk up to someone (look them in the eye prior to catch their attention) and talk (more on this in tip #2).
“Hi! My name is [your name].”
“Oh, nice to meet you. I’m [their name].”
“Nice to meet you as well, [their name]. What’s your major?” or “Nice to meet you as well, [their name]. Do you play chess often?” (Replace ‘play chess’ with whatever you’re there for.)
This method has the effect of forcing you to interact with people, and you will naturally improve at socialization. How? Because you’ll always be practicing! Just like any other skill, making conversation is something you have to do consistently to get better at it.
And if you’re worried, I can assure you that no one will think you’re weird. If you approach someone and strike up a good talk, he or she is more likely to think you’re outgoing rather than an oddball. However, either way, what people think of you isn’t paramount. Don’t be anxious; just do it!
Second tip: ask RELEVANT questions.
A paradox: people will keep talking to you forever if you ask a lot of questions, but your conversations will suck if you ask too many questions.
One site tells you to ask plenty of questions. Another tells you to stop doing that and talk for yourself more. Which is right?
Well, neither are incorrect.
The primary issue with the questioning method to continuing a conversation is that it can quickly transform into an interview that will be uninteresting for both parties. You run down a bullet point list of bread-and-butter questions, but you never have a real conversation. This, in my experience, has occurred when I took the “ask questions” advice too literally.
You have a fascinating, complex human being right in front of you with years of life experience. If you’re bored by the discussion, you’re probably not talking about the right things!
Asking questions is not the point. Learning about the person you’re speaking to is.
Showing genuine interest in whomever you are speaking to is a great, kind way to make lifelong friends. And sometimes that genuine interest requires you to go deeper than asking a few cliche questions. Truly making a commitment to invest in a person (or conversation) can make the difference between a nauseating and exhilarating social experience.
Plus, the person that you’re talking to will be grateful. I’ve noticed that most people are not interested in pushing conversations with new individuals past easy icebreaker questions, but most people like talking about things that interest them (obviously). A person who intentionally goes further looking for that fascinating common ground is a rare breed.
Generic questions are okay, but…
“What’s your major?” is a fine question. However, don’t let that line of conversation end with one answer. Is your conversation partner studying wildlife conservation? Wow, that’s wild! Why would they do that? What do they hope to do with a degree in that field? Why not biology or nursing? What kind of things do they study on a day to day basis? Why do they like the outdoors so much?
Instead of skipping to the next canned question like, “What brought you to X university?” you have five questions that will create engaging dialogue.
Let’s say you ask them if they like spending time outdoors, to which they (presumably) answer yes. You can go into what they like to do outside, and they could touch on a shared hobby (or something that you just like to do every now and again). Suddenly, your stack of words has burst into flames. You’re cooking with conversation now.
Third tip: stay present.
This third tip for talking to people in college may be the most important. The other two will waffle if you don’t master this one. Most people already have, except—unsurprisingly—people who struggle with social situations (again, I speak from experience).
Fortunately, it’s a short and simple lesson. No long-winded tutorial.
Pay attention to other people.
How many times have you asked someone’s name and forgotten it within 30 seconds? It’s probably not because you have a memory deficiency. It’s almost certainly because you weren’t paying attention when they told you their name.
Just like that, their name tried to blow through your ear only to bounce off, dead and disappointed.
If you aren’t staying present in your situation by paying attention to what is being said, you obviously won’t know what to say, and you’ll be a poor conversant. It’s not rocket science. Don’t plan what you’ll say next in your head, don’t wonder off to what you’ll do later, and definitely don’t tap away on your phone (that one’s a killer!).
Humbly listen to the other person.
I hope you find these tips for talking to people in college useful. And as aforementioned, like everything, being social takes practice. Don’t beat yourself up if you fail. Just keep pushing on.
Today’s extra content is the FORD method, another social trick that helped me tremendously in the early stages of my journey. Check it out here.
QOTD: What are some of your favorite hobbies to talk about?
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