No, don’t “just be yourself!”. Stop being yourself.
Look. I’m not against the self-help movement. Some of my favorite books—Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Charisma Myth—are from “self-help” authors. They’re good. I love them.
I get it. It’s encouraging authenticity. If you struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, it’s a liberating mantra. People fighting insecurity need to hear “just be yourself.” So on and so forth.
“Just be yourself” is perfectly fine advice in some circumstances, but it is not so fine in others. I’m going to detail situations where it isn’t fine, and I’ll give a few tips on how to grow along the way.
People Can Change
If you are “just being yourself” so that you never have to change, stop it right now. I find that some people have in mind that who they are cannot change. Their personalities are defined by four-letter acronyms or a nine-number spectrum, and biology determines everything.
Sorry, but if you think this way, you’re wrong. Full stop. Science says a combination of nature and nurture decide our behaviors and personalities.
Is it easy to break decades of poor nurturing and bad biology? No, certainly not. However, it is possible. Moreover, most people do so naturally as they grow older. So there’s that.
If you are “just being yourself” to blame others for your failures, stop it right now. I’m guilty of this, so please take my word for it. If you experience repeated, consistent failure in certain areas of your life, it’s probably not someone else’s fault. Let me list a few things I have gone through and observed that might be applicable here:
- Insecurity. If you are insecure and “cannot help it,” do not expect your friends and family to take the burden of it. They are not the source of your insecurity, you are. Find good counseling/therapy services, read the Bible, and try not to beat yourself up. You can change.
- Dating. If no women want to date you, and you cannot maintain a healthy relationship, women aren’t at fault. Examine yourself before concluding that women are the spawn of the devil. You can change. (More on this in a later blog post.)
- Community. Oh, how easy it is to blame others for not talking to you or being clique-ish. This is a big gray area because I find that many people aren’t good at talking to strangers or interacting with people outside of their friend group. Most people aren’t, and you might not be as good at it as you think you are either. It requires conscious, intentional effort to build a community that crosses boundaries. To inspire others to do the same, you’re going to have to do it—and get good at it—first. You can change.
You aren’t static.
Growth Requires Change
The very sad reality is that when you believe you cannot change, you cannot truly grow. Self improvement requires stopping certain actions and starting healthy habits. The sooner you acknowledge your malleability, the sooner you can become who you were made to be.
I love talking about growing in relational and social skills, so I’ll take this as an opportunity to jump on my soapbox again.
Everyone can grow somewhere, and everyone can encourage others to grow. Identify where you’re weak, and press into those areas. Something I should do more of is (non-hypocritically) identifying where others can grow and offer gentle nudges to help others along. By challenging ourselves to grow and encouraging others to do the same, we strengthen our communities.
Growing out of unhealthy habits is especially necessary. Perhaps more important than identifying weak areas is identifying decaying areas, and working hard to bring life back to those areas. I know that change is hard. Fortunately, you don’t have to do it alone. Pray. Seek professional help. Share your struggles with your community (in a healthy way, ideally). Do what you must.
Be Authentic… Not “Yourself”
The idea that you should “be yourself” implies there is one, monolithic “yourself.”
Spoiler alert: there isn’t.
Even if you don’t want to change, you will. “Yourself” is always shifting. Sometimes “yourself” isn’t who you want to be, and that’s okay. Don’t hate yourself. Ultimately, there is a limit to what we can change about ourselves. If there is something about “yourself” that you can’t do anything about, don’t hate yourself, but if you can change for the better—why not?
Don’t conform “yourself,” be authentic. Maybe this is just what “just be yourself” is trying to get at. Everyone has neutral traits. The music you enjoy, the games you play, the people you hang out with, and so on. If you plan on changing these things to please others, don’t. Enjoy the person you are. You will never find satisfaction in meeting other people’s standards; instead, strive to develop in your uniqueness. Be authentic, and grow.
Today’s extra article is somewhat of a contrarian view to this, but it offers good perspective: Stop Trying to Change Yourself by Mark Manson (warning: harsh language).
QOTD: What habits are you trying to build?
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