I like to define a small community as a group of six people or less. These small communities usually exist in a larger community, and they are closer than large friend groups. They’re what make large communities tick.
(Six is a semi-arbitrary number.)
Small communities are really, really great, and there are many reasons why. However, one important benefit of small communities is that the best personal growth happens in healthy, small communities and aloneness. Healthy, small communities and aloneness? Yes. I’ll explain as you read along, and if you’re trying to figure out how to find a community, I have advice for you at the end.
Everyone should belong to a small community
Whether or not you have friends, you should belong to a small community. If you aren’t in one, I strongly recommend you to put effort into forming one (more on that later), and if you are one, I strongly recommend you invest in your small community to maximize personal and group growth.
Here’s why this is important:
Inspiration
Seeing others walk through life as you encourage each other is crucial to sustained motivation. This happens in small communities formed around a common goal. When we challenge each other and willingly step up to challenges, we inspire others to do the same. Learn a new skill, and goad your friends to do the same.
Depth
I love large social events, but they aren’t where I go to find depth. The nature of large friend groups and group conversations is to be lighthearted. There is nothing wrong with that, but there is more to life than endless group jokes. Close, small communities give more room for deep conversations, relationships, and activities. You can have conversations about religion or go to a Holocaust museum with a small community; that might not fly in a large group. Have meaningful conversations.
Vulnerability
Small communities give an opportunity for us to be honest. When we destroy our own barriers and have open conversations with others, our relationships grow. Moreover, when we do this in a healthy, encouraging community, self-doubt and anxiety disappear. When you are vulnerable and your friends respond with vulnerability, you realize that there is nothing to fear about sharing things about yourself—that you are loved.
As you continually express vulnerability, you become more open to everyone. Openness leads to more vulnerability in your small community and in the larger community. This creates an environment where everyone can live authentically.
Be vulnerable in small communities.
External influence
A small community with healthy, growing people will live well. Look at others “winning” at life. It will facilitate your growth as you follow their example in humility and not jealousy. As you grow, you can influence others to become better. This cycle of pouring into others leads to continual improvement and a greater desire to live a good life. Be an influencer, and be influenced positively.
Personal growth with others
Small communities are contexts that can push growth. You have to be proactive in improving yourself to actualize personal growth. Take what you learn from others—as well as what you learn about yourself from others—and apply it to yourself.
This takes careful thought in aloneness.
I repeat: to see how you can grow, you must be willing to spend alone time thinking about what you’ve learned from others.
While hanging out with friends is wonderful, constant stimulation and activities don’t give you a chance to improve yourself. You can only process growth when you have time to, well, process your thoughts.
Finding a small community
What if you don’t have a small community, and you’ve had trouble finding one?
I know this pain. I spent almost two decades of my life without any meaningful relationships outside of my family, and I understand that it’s very hard to make connections.
What matters most is consistent effort. Even if you can’t initially find a small community, don’t give up. Keep looking. Here’s a few ideas on how I would begin a search for a community:
- Develop your “ideal skill.” By “ideal skill,” I don’t necessarily mean a passion or anything like that. Just pick something you find interesting, and work hard at getting better at it. Communities naturally form around shared interests. People like doing things they enjoy with other people. Even if you aren’t good at holding conversations, you can still do things with others, and having that human presence provides opportunities to improve your social skills. With a skill, you will have a better chance of finding a good community.
- Form a community in your present context. Talk to people around you that you don’t usually talk to. (For example, people in your workplace, classes, and church.) Try to build relationships through these conversations, and invite others out to lunch or fun activities. People that are around you but also do not have a small community are likely to be receptive to this; most people crave close friendships.
- Go to any social event you can find. This is a total shotgun approach, but it’s what I did. Simply go to any event you can find that seems remotely interesting. Cooking classes, book clubs, welcome events, and so on. This will expose you to many, many people at once, and you’ll probably be able to find at least one person you click with. From there, continue building the relationships you start as in #2.
Well, I hope that was a helpful and inspiring read. Today’s extra content is not entirely related to this article, instead, it’s about how the world is changing to favor solo endeavors. It’s a fascinating read, and it does offer some pointers on how you might spend time in reflective growth after being in a healthy, small community.
QOTD: How do you spend time with your closest friends?
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