An Anecdote
About two years ago, I had just started my freshman year at a university in a brand-new town. I quickly made friends at a local campus ministry, and we often spend time together at our university’s Student Center. That’s where I learned about people pleasing.
I strolled through the Student Center, making my way to an empty table in the lounging area. My morning ritual was reading there, finishing a bit of schoolwork, and chilling until someone showed up. I sat, pulled Netzwerk A1 from my backpack, and focused my mind on the German practice booklet.
As the sun woke up and rose higher in the sky, people arrived. Some of my friends walked up with smiles on their faces and perk in their steps.
“Hey, Myron!” They said. My heart sped up, and I gulped. Stay calm. You can have a good conversation.
We talked, joked, and more and more people came and left. Wow, speaking with others was actually fun. Eventually, it was me, a friend, and a girl I didn’t know at my humble table.
“I have to go,” my friend said, packing their backpack. “I’ll be back in an hour.”
Frick.
My friend left, and the girl I didn’t know—nor had I talked to—silently sat with me. My chest and mind tensed up. What do I say? Should I just put my head down? What’s her name?
She was beautiful. Her hair fell to her shoulders and glistened like pearls. My eyes met her clear eyes, and I shot my glance down to Netzwerk A1. (Ha ha, good thing I’m keeping this fairly anonymous—this would be really embarrassing otherwise).
I opened my mouth and stammered out unintelligible words. She gazed at me. “Uh, my name is Myron,” I said. My eyes darted around the room. “What’s your name?”
She smiled an obviously fake smile, replied, and turned back to her books.
My gut sunk. Ugh. She wasn’t interested in me. Why was I so terrible at this?
Principle i. Like What Others Like
At the end of the day, I retreated to my dorm room and collapsed in my desk. My earlier failure broiled in my mind. I should have asked her about what she liked and talked about that. It was my fault. If I were a better conversationalist, we could have become friends—or more.
That’s when I learned my first lesson. You must like what others like.
The popular self-help advice “take a genuine interest in others” helps here.
Become interested in other people and what they want to talk about. The best conversationalists don’t need to carry the conversation to make others like them. Instead, just focus on learning about the other person, and don’t bother sharing your interests. Learn how to like what others like.
This is important because it builds better relationships. Loving others is all about the other person, not you. What you want to do is irrelevant. As long as you can have conversations about everyone else, you will be able to connect with them. That’s good for them and good for you.
Ask questions—good questions. Avoid boring questions that make it seem like you’re interviewing the other person. Instead, focus on the other person’s motivations and emotions. If his or her major is Underwater Basket Weaving, why did (s)he chose that? What does (s)he like about his or her university? How does (s)he overcome his or her fears?
When you like what others like, you will always seem like a better conversationalist, and you can make connections everywhere.
Principle ii. Never Row Against the Tide
For some unfortunate reason, many of my friends come to me for relationship advice. Guys, this is a bad move. Don’t ask me about your romantic woes unless you need really blunt advice. (Kidding. I’ll listen to you. But there are probably better people to ask.)
One of my friends asked me about a girl he wanted to date. He fidgeted with his pale fingers as he gave me the details.
I stared into his wavering eyes. “You have no chance,” I said.
The girl was friendly toward him, but he hadn’t talked to her much. They weren’t in the same circle of friends. Most importantly, their interests didn’t line up at all. It was like he was a Bible thumping Southerner, and she was a hyper-progressive New Yorker. It wouldn’t work.
“You’d have a better shot with someone else. She’s a no-go, friend.” I popped my neck and fingers.
His face didn’t change, but he slumped a bit. Sorry for crushing your dreams.
See, you can’t row against the tides. If people don’t like you, there is almost no point in getting to know them. Many people will simply dislike you, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Don’t even bother talking to those who will not like you.
Sometimes, others will recommend that you reach out to those you don’t speak with or talk to new people. Don’t do it. That’s rowing against the tides.
Three Things to Remember About Rowing Against the Tides
- Spend your time with your friends, people who like you. You will feel better if you’re only around people who already enjoy your presence. When you try to meet new people or go outside of your friend group, you might be rejected. That will be bad for your self esteem. Focusing on your current friends is smarter.
- You can’t change people. Usually, when you don’t connect with someone the first time you meet them, you will never connect with them. This is especially true if the person didn’t talk to you much when you first met. Those people are exclusive, and they will never improve their inclusiveness. Don’t bother trying to help them.
- Become a likeable person. Talking with people when they already like you is incredibly easy. Your goal should be to become a likeable person so rowing against the tides isn’t a problem.
Never row against the tides.
Principle iii. Hide Yourself At All Costs
Many of my friends love sports. It’s what they watch in their free time and what they do when they want to up their physical activity. They also like to talk about sports often.
Frankly, I prefer writing and reading to sports, but that doesn’t matter. Hiding those interests means my conversations improve.
People don’t care about your hobbies and interests. That’s why liking what others like is great, and that’s why you must hide yourself at all costs. Talking about your interests will make your conversations will be worse off. You will have many awkward silences, and others will think you’re self centered.
Hiding yourself may seem manipulative, but it isn’t. Rather, it’s the best way to become a social success. Everyone changes somewhat depending on who they’re talking to. This is normal.
Moreover, this means you don’t have to be vulnerable or uncomfortable. When people don’t know who you are, they can’t hurt you, and you never have to share anything embarrassing or true.
In fact, people can’t even connect with you when you hide yourself.
Oh wait…
Disclaimer: do the exact opposite of nearly everything I recommended here. This is satire, folks.
Today’s extra content is some thoughts on overcoming people pleasing. I agree with everything except the last point (which, even then, I disagree with its phrasing more than its content). Then again, I’m not a M.D. holder, and the writer of that article is. However, I like to think my contributions are still worthwhile.
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