My chest expanded with heavy emptiness like a million feathers weighing down a jar. I laid in the darkness on my back. The air smelled like nothing in particular, and the chirping birds seemed completely silent. Why did I have existential crises so often?
I tossed and turned searching for some peace. Any peace.
I talked about learning people skills and improving as a person on this blog. You read my posts expecting good writing, good advice. Yet, to be honest, my heart doubted that what I did mattered.
Meaninglessness was distressing. You might have worked on your social skills for months, but did you ask why you were doing it? Without a good answer, it felt like I could not do what I needed to do.
My mouth dried, and thoughts swam through my head at breakneck pace.
I groaned.
Yes, existential crises. The constant need to improve myself had distracted me before, but I got to a place where I was contented. Afterward, I asked myself why it even mattered at all. Why talk to people? What’s the purpose of making friends? Does loving others even do anything?
Well, I still don’t really have a good answer. But here’s what I feel right now:
- I really like talking with others, so I’ll have conversations.
- Loneliness ruined my life at one point, so I want to build connections with others struggling with it.
- I’ve improved this much, why stop now?
- Setting higher goals will help me improve more. That’s what I want to do.
- God and others watch me. I want to love God who loved me, and that means loving others. Furthermore, I can be an example for others, that means trying my best.
That’s what I’ll do, I guess.
As I write this, I’m still in the rut of an existential crisis. It’s really annoying. Just a few weeks ago, I felt like I was unstoppable, and I haven’t even changed what I have been doing. You might experience these crises too. I wrote this to send a simple message: we have to keep moving even when things are uncertain.
(Moreover, if you’re like me, you get anxiety from these moments. Here’s a good article about overcoming anxiety by tolerating it.)
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