Harsh beeping rang from my alarm at precisely 8 AM, and my stiff eyes beamed open. I took a sharp breath. The sunlight flickered in through my window like a messenger pigeon carrying parchment that said, “It’s a new morning. Wake up, moron.” I tried to breath, but it was hard. My mind felt like putty in my hands, but I couldn’t form any coherent thoughts. My chest was heavy, as if black glue welled up in it yet I couldn’t spit anything out. Nothing felt right, and nothing felt meaningful.
See, apathy was a four-winged beast with demonic horns that did nothing except stare at you, keeping you paralyzed like Medusa’s head. It was pretty hard to describe much more of it, and it was exceedingly terrible to think about it. You know what was easier? Sitting in my bed at the crack of the late-riser’s dawn, doom-scrolling on my Google Pixel. That’s just what I did as the blue-LED succubus kept my attention leashed to it. It took me over thirty minutes to hop in my shower and wash off my pitiful attitude, each droplet drizzling down like molasses.
Yeah, I was a slave to apathy.
Nothing seemed wrong on the surface. I’m sure I talked with my friends, went out to classes, and ate dinner every day just like normal. Yet, it was hollow. I talked with my friends, but I didn’t listen nor love like Jesus. I went to classes, but it was just going through the motions. I ate dinner, but I’m not sure I tasted it. The exterior was there, but the interior vanished.
Glorifying God was a good purpose. Considering every moment valuable and purposefully using it was meaningful. Loving others was life-giving. Yeah, I knew all of it. Yet, apathy kept me from applying what I knew.
This was dangerous. See, when you get in a pattern of life where you can do whatever you want, wherever you want, and whenever you want, you become a slave to doing badly or simply not doing anything. It’s because our natural desires trend to one of those options. We want good things, but we don’t really want to do the hard things that produce good things. There’s the problem. At the root of it, apathy lands you in a cycle of nothingness that births nothingness that births sin that births death.
Furthermore, this cycle was addictive. For awhile, I led a energy-intensive life. I loved maximizing my time with activities. Eventually, though, the circumstances of my life stole that love, and I grew content with sitting in my room playing games and watching anime. Let me tell you, it hit my dopamine centers super hard. Why do anything at all when, obviously, I got by just fine?
Last, it was convincing. Certainly not rationally—I knew it was wrong. No, no, no. My emotions spoke to me. They said my state was okay, that I could go on without a hitch, and that it was alright to keep on drudging on. It didn’t take much because all apathy had to do was distract me from doing anything purposeful.
It was all lies.
…
I began punching, punching that beast apathy until my knuckles were red. The beast stood stalwart. There was no immediate victory, because apathy is not something we overcome in our spiritual lives by simply wishing it away. It comes on slowly as we surrender our will to be exceptional, and it stays as long as it has room in your mind. Since our habits don’t change on the flip of a coin—that’s why we call ’em “habits”—we don’t overcome the sin of apathy overnight.
That is why victory requires determination. I must be someone dedicated to what God wants for my life, to his purposes, and to meaningfulness. Otherwise, nothing begets nothing. Time wastes away in an environment where it is not considered an incredible opportunity to do what can only be done in the moment. I have to take steps toward forming a mind and a body that moves toward meaningful action. Otherwise, time becomes wasted time. Transformation doesn’t happen right here, right now, but I can start right here, right now.
…
My words are about as poetic as a troll trying to strum a violin. I’d love to leave you with an encouragement that sounds nice and inspiring, but I can’t stretch my talent that far. Instead, let me leave you with an anecdote that expresses my terrible incompetence, failing poetry, and journey out of apathy all at once.
Some time ago, I went on a trip with a youth group I attended. We strolled through a strip mall, checking out various fun hole-in-the-wall stores and grabbing ice cream to cool ourselves from the oppressive Alabama heat. I trailed my uh… “friend group”… silently.
We stopped at a cookie shop, and I stood outside, reminiscing one of the only conversations I had with these “friends” of mine.
“Myron, don’t you want something?”
“No, I’m fine.” Ha ha, I wasn’t fine.
“How’s your day been?”
“Good.” My mouth clammed up. No, I wanted to say more. Why wouldn’t my mind come up with something better?
“Oh, yeah, I bet you’ve been thinking about the Meaning of the Universe or something smart like that huh?” A few others giggled.
“Yeah,” I put up a crooked smile.
The good boys and girls of the youth group stampeded out of the cookie store, and I shuddered, snapping back to reality. Ugh. I hated this moment.
The blazing sun faded down to a cool set after awhile, and, all the time, no one said a single word to me. Oh so much fun it was, saying nothing and being sad. I hated it. I couldn’t say what I wanted, and I couldn’t even get a chance to respond to them because—evidently—they didn’t care about me. If I’m to be honest, I began to hate them.
So I ran off. I found myself a nice, sequestered bench in a solitary location where I could brood and stew in my angry self-interest. I stared at their disgustingly jovial conversations from afar. C* was a cool dude who had tried to converse with me before. I liked him a bit. Unfortunately, my interactions with him floundered, and he never talked to me much after. That was a great narrative my cynicism could complain about, “Oh, I tried to reach out, but he was too cliquish to talk to me.” D* was C*’s buddy buddy, a buddy I wished I had, but of course I couldn’t become friends with any of those youth groupies. A* was really friendly, and she greeted me every Sunday morning. That was it. Just a greeting. Of course, we wouldn’t speak more than that.
P*, one of the youth group’s leaders, broke off from the group and approached me. I averted my eyes.
“What’s going on, Myron? How’re doing buddy?”
“Good.” Now I was straight-up being coy.
“Mhm. It’s a good day out right now. The temperature is perfect, it’s not too much of a breeze, and we’re all out here together. I’m glad God has brought a day like this to us. Whaddo you usually do on a day like this?”
“Not much. I stay inside a lot.”
“Oh, that so?”
He leaded back and sat with me for awhile, not a word passing between us. Finally, the group got ready to terrorize another shop, so P* went back to them. I trailed behind as usual.
My gut tore. I was awful. The dude came over to me and gave his darnedest to spark some sort of fire for a conversation. I might as well have spat in his face and told him that he was worthless. In that moment, my image of myself as a perfect lamb shattered. What was I doing? I had no way with words. I had no purpose in my rudeness. I had no reason to do nothing. Maybe that was just the problem—I had no reason.
I was apathetic to reforming myself, and so I acted like a little twerp with pride for brains. However, that was the day I chose something different. God wasn’t gonna let me stay the same.
A revolution began in me, still, I never became good friends with any of the people from that strip mall outing. My day ended with me sad and broken. Today, though, I’m a new guy because that day I knew I had to get off my butt and love people in my community like Jesus said. Apathy didn’t die in a day, but it’s dead today. The differential in my actions between those two time frames killed it. Its energy couldn’t last when my God-given energy grew.
Now, you have a choice today too. Will you stay where you are, or will you take a simple step toward a meaningful today?
My friend, kill your apathy.
Here’s my recommended goals for your week to do it:
- Call your distant family, and have a conversation about something that matters to you.
- Telling someone important to you how you really feel about them.
- What’s a challenge you have coming in the future? Prepare for it.
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