Are You a Shy Extrovert?

Note: I have changed my views on introversion and extroversion since I first wrote this article, but I still think this is a good resource if you take “shy extrovert” to mean “a person who wants to be social but cannot due to shyness or social anxiety.”

About four years ago, I realized that I was deeply unsatisfied with how I lived.

For me to leave the house more than three or four times a week was rare. Every day I played video games for at least three or four hours. I had no friends within 200 miles, and talking to my own family was a Herculean obstacle. Existing was unpleasant.

That changed when I met my first mentor through an internship. He was clearly living with zeal and a cheerfulness that I didn’t have, and it was deeply inspiring. From there, I saw something was wrong inside me.

Over the next few years, I spent time trying to get to know more people—if talking to my mentor was enjoyable, perhaps it would be worthwhile connecting with others.

It was.

I became a different person from building relationships at my church, in my community college classes, and eventually I became substantially more personable at my university. I found out I was an extrovert.

Before my personality overhaul, I would have sworn up and down that I was an introvert. What gives? Did I flip the switch from inward to outward?

No. I was probably always an extrovert—a shy extrovert.

Identifying yourself as a shy extrovert is difficult. However, if you have the same deep longing for human connection that I had many years ago, you should continue reading. I’m going to tell a story about an unfortunate, forgotten personality: the shy extrovert, and I will give an obvious sign that you’re a shy extrovert.

The Rise of the Introvert

Around the mid 2000s to 2010s, a quiet revolution began.

The distinction between introversion and extroversion became common sense.

If you were quiet, enjoyed solitary activities, needed to rest after talking to people, or any combination of these traits, you were an introvert.

If you were loud, charismatic, good at conversations, or any combination of these traits, you were an extrovert.

Furthermore, introversion became cool (and is still cool). There was (and is) extensive advocacy across cultures to accommodate introversion. Every institution had to adapt, and facilitating environments where introverts can work well is still important today. This is good. Everyone needs to be aware of how to use everyone’s talents and personalities most effectively.

However, shyness also became nearly synonymous with introversion despite the warnings of experts that this is not the case. Most people perceive shyness or reservation as introversion regardless of underlying personality traits. A quiet child no longer needs to come out of his or her shell. He or she is simply an introvert.

Misidentifying the Shy Extrovert

As a result, shy extroverts misidentify as introverts.

What’s worse is that it’s easy for shy extroverts to conform to an introverted identity assigned to them by others or themselves.

To be shy is to be afraid of social interactions in some form. It’s easier to deny our fears than to face and overcome them. If you don’t beat shyness through natural development processes or conscious effort, the next option is to rationalize it. The quickest rationalization for shyness? Conclude that you simply don’t want many relationships anyways.

It keeps getting worse. Society reinforces this cycle because traits that don’t define extroversion appear to be necessary for extroverts, like:

• Loudness. If you have a quiet voice, prepare to be an introvert for your entire life. Unfortunately, loudness is nearly synonymous with the popular definition of extroversion. Can you imagine a consistently loud introvert? Probably not. Yet, there’s no scientific evidence that loudness always means extroversion.
• Energy. We expect extroverts to always be “on” around people. Conversations never make them tired, ever. This is blatantly wrong. Introversion and extroversion exist on a spectrum. Extroverts get more dopamine from connecting with people, and so they are more “charged” when they talk to others. However, science proves that social situations exhaust even the biggest extroverts.
• Chatty. If you’re not constantly talking, you must not be an extrovert. As I’ve already said, this is inaccurate because to be an extrovert means you get more pleasure from social interaction. Extroversion doesn’t mean that you turn into a social supernova in the presence of two or three people. Talkativeness is probably positively correlated with extroversion, but thoughtful, slow-to-speak extroverts exist too.

Shy extroverts don’t have these traits, so everyone labels them as introverts.

Living an introverted lifestyle creates dissatisfaction within a shy extrovert. While you can attempt to convince yourself that you are an introvert and don’t need social stimulation, it doesn’t work. Biology will win.

This emptiness without frequent human connection is a clear sign of a shy extrovert. Though, if you experience this, it doesn’t mean that you’re a shy extrovert without a doubt (introverts need relationships too). However, you might want to consider the possibility that you aren’t as introverted as you thought.

Becoming an Extrovert

Don’t knock extroversion till you try it.

If you’ve identified with introversion for a long time, it’s hard to accept any change. I know because it was hard for me too. However, there’s no need to be ashamed of extroversion. It’s normal, and you will be happier if you get the social interaction you need. Human connection is good.

If you’re a college-aged, shy extrovert like I was, here’s a good place to start for expanding your conversational abilities.

If you want to increase your extroversion more, flip the above traits on their head. Play into what others expect from extroverts. Most know this as “fake it till you make it,” and science actually supports its validity.

Speak louder.

Learn to speak from your diaphragm, loudly and consistently.

I have a deep voice, and I was a quiet speaker. That combination made it impossible to speak without getting a “Huh?” or someone talking over me right as I started to speak or before I finished my thought.

It is super frustrating, and in a perfect world people would wait their turn to talk. However, they don’t.

I know, from experience, that it feels rude to speak over others (even if they’re trying to interrupt you). I had a sense of superiority because I never spoke over anyone else. Heck, it’s very polite if you don’t interrupt others. However, if you want to be able to really speak you’re just going to have to talk louder. It makes you appear more confident and social.

Just “raising your voice” doesn’t work long-term. Start talking to yourself loudly, from the belly. Make it a habit. Consciously have conversations in a louder voice than you normally would. Speak slowly and clearly. It’s what extroverts do, after all.

Use more energy.

Next, if you want to be more extroverted, change your social energy. Loudness will help this, as it makes you seem higher energy and larger-than-life. Take this one step further, and force yourself to be more sociable by starting more conversations and keeping them going longer than you normally would.

Keep practicing this until it feels natural. You will learn to have longer conversations habitually.

Talk more.

One of the central tenets of having good conversations is to avoid talking about yourself.

It’s great advice, but it’s also terrible advice in some situations.

You don’t want to remove yourself from the conversation. This can happen if you take “avoid talking about yourself” too seriously. It will also make conversations more awkward if all you do is ask questions and talk about the other person.

Start more conversations about your interests, and be careful to relate it to the other person. Don’t bore people with long monologues about what you did on your lunch break. Instead, bring up interesting facts about yourself. For example, if you like reading and finished a good book, bring it up in conversations. Afterward, ask your conversation partner if (s)he has read anything impactful to them in the past.

Be willing to talk more and carry conversations if needed (as long as you and the person you’re talking to remain engaged in the conversation).

Good luck, shy extroverts!

It’s tough to grow into extroversion. However, like anything else, it is a skill, and you can become better at it. Make sure to get enough deliberate practice and stay committed to your goals.

You got this.

Since I already included extensive content throughout this article, there’s no extra roundup article today. If you want to read more about this topic, make sure you follow all the links in this post!

QOTD: Do you identify as an introvert or an extrovert?

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