Become an Extrovert By Acting Like an Extrovert

Can you become an extrovert?

Yes, and it’s easier (conceptually) and harder (practically) than you might imagine.

First, let me dispel a myth.

There’s no such thing as a “biological introvert” or a “biological extrovert.”

Hold on. “I thought social situations exhausted introverts more than extroverts, and your genes determine how much they exhaust you,” you might be thinking.

Yes, no, and all of the above.

The science behind introversion and extroversion is very complex. The “social situations exhaust introverts and energize extroverts” definition is almost certainly false. Turns out introverts and extroverts are just as tired after socializing.

Still, it does seem that introverts and extroverts might process social situations differently. If you want to digest all the research, here’s a summary of the most important points.

The gist is that introverts feel more overwhelmed by social situations in the moment, and extroverts feel more pleasure from social situations in the moment. That’s about all anyone can say for sure, and that lines up with most personal anecdotes.

However, that can change, right? It’s perfectly plausible that you can learn how to enjoy social situations.

Plus, regardless of the neuroscience, you can change your brain anyways.

What I mean when I say there are no “biological introverts” or “biological extroverts” is that your genes don’t determine how social you are. Extroversion and introversion are so finicky and poorly understood scientifically that they’re not really useful labels. It’s easier to say you are more social or less social, and you can become more or less social.

(When I use the word “introvert,” think less social, and think “more social” when you see extrovert.)

Now, let me give you my secret sauce to become an extrovert.

Act Like an Extrovert

Yep… that’s it.

If you want to become an extrovert, act like one.

There are two main reasons why this works.

One, fake it till you make it is real science.

A psychologist named Carol Dweck discovered that people generally operate in either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Having a fixed mindset means that you believe set factors determine your basic qualities. A growth mindset means you believe you can improve your basic qualities through effort.

Research links growth mindsets to many positive benefits.

If you believe that changing the way you act will change the way you are, you increase your chances of success.

Additionally, according to the Hebbian principle, when you behave in specific ways in specific contexts, those behaviors become associated with the context. If you consistently act social around others, “acting social” becomes the default behavior when you’re around others. Therefore, at some point, you no longer have to “fake it.” You will naturally be more extroverted.

You only need to start the chain. Act more social, and build good social habits. (More on this below.)

Two, acting like an extrovert is a self-reinforcing cycle.

When you socialize, you become better at doing it. You reduce your social anxiety, and you increase your ability to enjoy social situations. This means you will probably like socializing more, and that will lead you to socialize more.

Others will start to see you as an extrovert. They will tell you that you are one, and you’ll feel more pressure to “keep the act up.” This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you enjoy extroversion, the external reinforcement will be welcome.

How does an extrovert act? Ah young Watson, that’s an excellent question.

Here’s seven, key extrovert behaviors.

1. Start conversations everywhere.

The Behavior

Extroverts start conversations everywhere.

What this doesn’t mean is that extroverts are always talking. (Though, some very social people are incessantly chatty.)

However, if you want to be more social, you must have conversations. There’s no life hack to avoid it. You need frequent conversations; if you are around others, talk to them. Regular conversations with people you see often as well as strangers communicates that you’re interested in other people.

Alone, this isn’t enough to “be an extrovert.”

In fact, I’m pretty peeved as I spent two years cultivating this skill. I found that even though I could talk to most people and that most people felt comfortable talking with me, my lack of behaviors #2-6 made me seem less social.

Still, this is the most important skill, and it’s arguably the most useful. Building connections and healthy relationships is substantially more difficult without good communication skills, and you get good communication skills from having a truckload of conversations.

How To Do It

Practice one-on-one conversations, and fight in fast group conversations.

One-on-one conversations are, for most people, the easiest to start with. To get better at holding one-on-one conversations, you really just need to practice. Read this for specific tips.

Group conversations are harder. Even if you are present in many group conversations, it’s difficult to “practice” in them because they’re usually fast paced. Getting a word in at all is a challenge. So, remember this for fast group conversations:

You must fight for the conversation.

You can do this using a combination of body language and attention. Use body language to signal that you want to say something: raise your hand, make a short remark like “Oh!” while someone is speaking, or open your mouth as if you’re going to speak. The current speaker will notice you, and the group will expect you to speak next.

For this to work, you need to be paying attention to the conversation. Don’t mentally check out or put your nose in your phone. Genuinely listen to the people speaking, and your mind will start naturally coming up with things to say. When you want to speak, use body language to convey that.

2. Be loud!

The Behavior

Quoting myself,

I have a deep voice, and I was a quiet speaker. That combination made it impossible to speak without getting a “Huh?” or someone talking over me right as I started to speak or before I finished my thought.

It is super frustrating, and in a perfect world people would wait their turn to talk. However, they don’t.

I know, from experience, that it feels rude to speak over others (even if they’re trying to interrupt you). I had a sense of superiority because I never spoke over anyone else. Heck, it’s very polite if you don’t interrupt others. However, if you want to be able to really speak you’re just going to have to talk louder. It makes you appear more confident and social.

How To Do It

Quoting myself again,

Just “raising your voice” doesn’t work long-term. Start talking to yourself loudly, from the belly. Make it a habit. Consciously have conversations in a louder voice than you normally would. Speak slowly and clearly. It’s what extroverts do, after all.

Don’t overdo this. You want to be loud enough that you’re just a bit louder than everyone else. No yelling at a funeral or giving an overenthusiastic speech at a book club.

Additionally, like the first behavior, this won’t magically make you an extrovert by itself. Use the other behaviors.

The seventh behavior is about body language skills, and it’s usefulness increases a lot if you combine it with this tip. Speaking up with good body language drastically changes your image. Read on to find out how to do this!

3. Increase your social energy.

The Behavior

Extroverts are high energy in social settings.

What this doesn’t mean is that extroverts literally suck up energy from social situations like a vampire. I’m sure a rare few people do, but this isn’t the case for many people that identify as “extroverted.” (Again, social situations exhausting you is just normal human psychology.)

Rather, extroverts are very engaged in other people when they’re in social environments.

They participate in conversations, crack jokes (more on that in the next behavior), and interact with enthusiasm.

How To Do This

Avoiding apathy is critical.

Most people aren’t actively trying to be high energy. They’re content with only talking when they’re asked questions or only become energetic when the conversation is really fun. Therefore, the only thing you need to do to be “higher energy” than others is intentionality.

Don’t mentally check out of conversations or accept consistently low quality small talk. Instead, be curious about other people and show genuine interest. Have conversations when other people are open to them.

As noted, social energy usually consists of:

• Frequent Conversations
• Humor
• Enthusiasm

I covered the first point in the first behavior. The second point is in the next behavior. However, what about enthusiasm? How do you become more enthusiastic?

Enthusiasm is a rather vague characteristic. I see it in three components.

• Volume
• Talkativeness
• Passion

Volume is the second behavior. Be loud, and you will instantly seem more enthusiastic. No need to discuss that ad nauseam.

Talkativeness relates to the first behavior, but it isn’t the same. To be talkative just means you take up more “floor time” when you get to speak in a conversation. You share more about yourself, and you share interesting information about yourself or other topics.

Finally, passion feeds enthusiasm. There’s no way to fake passion. Others will perceive you as enthusiastic if you’re passionately talking about something you love. Talk about your own interests more to seem more passionate and enthusiastic.

…And sorry to yank your chain, but I’ll detail this more in the fifth behavior.

Intentionally cultivate these three traits, and you will have higher social energy.

4. Laugh, and/or make others laugh.

The Behavior

Not everyone is funny, but even if an extrovert isn’t particularly funny, they will still laugh and participate in fun conversations.

So, there’s two ways to look at this.

First, extroverts can be funny. You know the guy who seemingly always has a hilarious joke ready and isn’t afraid to say it. People who are openly humorous seem more social.

Second, extroverts can laugh at themselves and others, and they have no problem in fun conversations. This is more widely applicable than “be funny.” When you’re laughing at others’ jokes, you’re showing that you’re engaged in the conversation.

Sometimes, people get “stuck in their heads” in fun conversation. The humor isn’t for them, or they’re just too serious to interact in a lighthearted manner. If this is you, work on overcoming this.

You don’t need to be the class clown, but being more social is a lot easier if you can at least laugh and have fun in conversations.

How To Do It

Don’t force humor. Instead, be unpredictable.

This helps in making others laugh and making yourself laugh.

Comedians often say unpredictability is the essence of good humor. We laugh when something unexpected (that is not terribly negative) happens.

For example, right now, you’re probably expecting me to write something unexpected, thus showing how humor works.

Unfortunately, I’m a terrible comedian, so I won’t do that.

Unpredictability in your conversations makes you funnier.

You want to subvert others’ expectations. Stop responding to ordinary questions like, “What did you have for dinner today?” with ordinary answers like, “Spaghetti.” Instead, consider starting an epic monologue about how you had to slay a dragon for its delicious meat or respond with, “alien tentacles” (depending on your audience…)

This also makes you laugh. Once you increase your unpredictability, you’ll notice others will too. Subversion is met with subversion, and you’ll have consistently funnier conversations.

Unpredictability makes you an active participant in fun conversations.

5. Talk about interesting topics, or tell interesting stories.

The Behavior

So, I left you on a cliffhanger with the third behavior. Talkativeness and passion are important to enthusiasm and social energy. This is where talking about yourself is handy.

Extroverts are, for better or worse, inexplicably interesting. They seem to be able to hold others’ attention easily with captivating stories and conversations. Somehow, they have an endless supply, and they can talk forever.

What’s the secret?

Well, they’re talking about what they genuinely find interesting, and they’re conveying it in a compelling manner.

People pay attention to interesting things. It’s biological. Extroverts are good at staying in touch with their interests while making sure they don’t bore others with their interests. That’s why they enthrall crowds with incredible ease.

How To Do It

I already gave the method away, really.

It’s a two step process:

1. Identify your skills, hobbies, and interests. If you don’t have an ideal skill, find one. You need to know what you like before you can talk to others about what you like. Don’t fake this step or try to fast track it. You need to find something you genuinely enjoy, and practice it. The process will teach you what’s interesting about it—and you can use that for conversations.
2. Convey your interests well. Boring people by constantly talking about yourself is a social death sentence. Use the previous behaviors to express confidence in what you’re saying, and look into how to be a more effective public speaker. The way you speak is more important than what you’re saying.

The most common advice about connecting with others goes something like, “Be genuinely interested in others, and let the other person do most of the talking.”

If you want to be more social, “be genuinely interested in others” has its limitations. You don’t want to only ask questions and talk about the other person. It’s good to do, and it’s useful for connecting with others. But you should balance this with sharing information about yourself.

A simple technique is to start a conversation about your interests, then ask questions that your conversation partner can relate to. For example, if you like cooking, talk about a new dish you’ve tried recently. After you’ve spoken, ask the other person if they like experimenting with new ideas or hobbies.

Talk about your interests, and involve other people in the conversation.

6. Take the initiative.

The Behavior

In one on one conversations as well as group conversations, extroverts are proactive.

They start the conversation, bring up new topics, and contribute frequently. This ties into the first, second, and fifth behaviors. So, what’s new here?

Taking the initiative is a also big picture social behavior. Extroverts typically make social events happen in the first place. They organize outings, meet with people for lunch, and seek out new social opportunities. If there’s nothing happening on a Friday night, the extrovert will make something happen.

Less social people wait for social events to come to them. There’s nothing wrong with this if you want to stay less social, but lacking initiative slows efforts to become more social.

How To Do It

Practically, this might be the easiest thing to do in this article because it requires very little practice. You can’t become a better conversationalist overnight. You can start inviting people to events overnight.

I recommend developing these three habits:

1. Eat with others several times per week. Ask acquaintances and friends to get lunch or coffee with you. You can text them, call them, or ask in person. This will deepen your connections with others, and you’ll have more chances to increase your conversational skills. You can have lunch with others one on one or do group lunches; whatever is most comfortable for you works. Do this as much as you can without burning yourself out. (Really, be careful about burnout!)
2. Regularly search for new social opportunities. If you have a free evening, consider doing something new instead of staying at home for another Netflix binge night. Try an art or cooking class or join a recreational basketball team.
3. Organize a fun group activity (at least) every other week. Think of something you and your friends might enjoy, and do it as a group. This works really well with the second habit. If you have been looking for different social opportunities, you will have plenty of ideas for group events to organize.

I want to emphasis one more time: avoid burnout! You should build up to these habits one by one. You will become an extrovert over time, and eventually you will be able to sustain all three habits.

7. Practice soft body language skills.

The Behavior

This is the final ingredient for extroversion: body language.

It’s also the hardest to grasp.

There’s no explanation for why it’s important other than… well… psychological stuff.

Don’t underestimate this behavior. Body language might not seem like much, but it is. It’s a subconsciously influential factor in how others see you, and confident, outgoing body language actually makes you feel confident and outgoing.

Extroverts seem so naturally and convincingly outgoing because of body language. The very way they move and physically act says, “I’m open to social interaction!”

There are two specific body language behaviors that characterize extroverts:

• Eye contact. Extroverts are good at making frequent, proper eye contact. As they speak to you, they focus on you and don’t constantly glance around the room. Furthermore, as they will also make eye contact as they listen to you.
• Open, confident posture. Sit/stand up straight, keep your palms open and visible, and smile. Honestly, this is super vague and difficult to describe. I’m just going to point you to this resource if you want to get a comprehensive overview of confident body language.

How To Do It

Practice, and closely monitor yourself.

If you want an extra boost, ask a close friend to point out when your body language isn’t inviting.

Nothing else.

Body language is often not a primary issue. If your body language is exceptionally bad (you cannot hold eye contact whatsoever), you might need to address it quickly. Otherwise, body language alone doesn’t make you more social. However, it can take you from socially competent to highly charismatic.

Be Careful What You Wish For

You might dislike extroversion.

Two reasons why:

• You haven’t dealt with underlying attitudes or problems regarding social situations. For example, you might have crippling social anxiety yet still try to be the life of the party. This can work but usually fails because the social anxiety makes it impossible to enjoy being social and ends up tiring you out.
• You don’t really want to be social. You thought being outgoing would be something different from what it really is. Once you see extroversion is not inherently better than introversion, you go back to a less social lifestyle.

Frankly, extroversion is exhausting sometimes. You will get tired of carrying conversations in a low energy social context, and a group lunch might feel like a burden some weeks. However, as you teach your brain to enjoy being social, you will see the rewards of extroversion.

It’s really nice to spend time with people and have fun and interesting conversations.

That will motivate you to continue becoming more social. You might just get addicted to it like I have.

Last, Words on Rejecting Conformity

These behaviors are fairly personality neutral. Dropping all your hobbies and friends isn’t necessary to become more social.

Don’t mistake all behaviors and interests of extroverts as things that all sociable people must do. You don’t have to go to the bar every single weekend to be social. Have a board game night or soccer game with the boys if that’s what you find fun.

Be authentic, and become an extrovert only if you want to.

Whew.

This was a lot to write.

I had to mine my own experiences and years of advice to convey the most important lessons. Let me know how these tips help you!

Given the length of this article and the resources provided, there’s no extra resource today. Re-read this and follow the links if you want more information to become an extrovert!

QOTD: Have you become more or less social over time?

I want to add value to your life through MyronHighsmith.com. If you liked this and want more, follow me via. email to get posts like this one regularly.