Stop These Bad Conversation Habits

Everyone has bad conversation habits.

Usually, it isn’t a big deal.

This is something people with social anxiety really struggle with. If you have it—you know. Saying a single awkward thing consumes your mind for days. You replay it over and over and over in your mind until you’ve picked it to the bone like a starving vulture. So, let me say it again for you:

Everyone has bad conversation habits. It’s okay.

Put your chin up, and give yourself some slack.

Really, if I had a dollar for every time a different person has interrupted me or domineered a conversation, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and Andrew Carnegie would all tremble in my presence. Yet, we all forgive each other’s conversational errors, and the world keeps going.

The mistake I’m going to talk about is bad, but it’s not because of how it makes others perceive you.

It’s bad because it slowly destroys useful conversational skills, and it harms progress if you’re trying to improve your people skills.

What is it?

Apathy

Apathy is “lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.”

It shows up a lot in conversations.

The classic case of apathy in conversations is what I call “small talk syndrome.”

Small talk is good. It’s really good if you know how to small talk well. When we meet someone new or when someone new meets us, small talk is the way we initially get to know each other. We share basic information, make small humorous quips, and say our goodbyes. For those who are exceptional at first impressions and small talk, they can have more meaningful conversations.

Small talk syndrome (STS from hereafter) is a consistent failure to engage in small talk or casual conversations with real interest.

This appears in three ways:

Mentally Checking Out of Conversations

The first symptom of STS is frequently, mentally checking out of conversations.

You get “stuck in your head.” It seems like everyone else is talking without a problem, but you can’t speak up. Eventually, you just stop trying, and you start merely existing in social situations instead of interacting with others.

I experience this more than I would like, and I hate it.

The causes for this vary. However, at the root it’s usually because the conversation loses your attention. People are talking about a topic you’re not knowledgeable in, it’s a lighthearted, funny conversation but doesn’t appeal to your humor, you have to pee extremely badly so you can’t focus, and so on.

Mentally checking out of conversations is the ultimate way to say to everyone else, “I don’t care about talking to you.”

It, unfortunately, doesn’t matter what message you want to communicate.

Very Low Quality Conversation

The second symptom of STS is similar to the first, but it’s harder to notice.

You can have conversations without really ever having had a conversation. Basically, your conversations never feel satisfactory because they’re always low quality conversations. Nothing substantial is said, and it sticks to the most basic small talk topics.

It might go something like,

Greg: “Hey, John. How are you doing today.”

John: “Fan-flippin-tastic, Greg! I went fishing all day yesterday with a good buddy of mine I hadn’t seen in awhile. It was great catching up with him.”

Greg: “Oh, awesome! Sounds like a good day.”

John: “Sure was. Wish I could do it again soon, but my buddy won’t be around here for awhile.”

Greg: “Really? That’s unfortunate.”

John: “Yeah, it’s alright though. It was fun.”

Greg: “Cool!”

Greg is totally unresponsive here.

John gives him several conversation threads he can follow. Greg can ask John about what excites him about fishing, how he felt about having his long-time friend around for only a day, or even just ask him more about his day. Yet, all Greg does is give no effort replies.

This happens when you’re not consciously engaging in your conversations. It’s an automatic response to converse energy. However, if you want to push beyond menial small talk, you need to listen and ask meaningful questions.

Similarly, you can focus on “easy” conversation topics for too long, and the result is the same. Talking about the weather is okay, but it gets tiring when you’ve been talking about how rainy it is for ten minutes.

Avoid these dry conversations.

Conversation Skills Stagnation

The final symptom of STS is stagnation; when you’re always putting low to no energy into social situations, your social skills will degrade.

People attempting to improve their people skills need to watch out for this. I constantly recommend having a lot of conversations and practice if you want to grow as a conversationalist, but this is useless if you’re not challenging yourself.

STS is the opposite of challenging—you’re just coasting.

Moreover, STS affects everyone. It’s painfully obvious when someone hasn’t put much effort into developing their conversational skills beyond what they’ve naturally learned. They seem disinterested in talking with you or chatter about nothing.

You feel ignored and bored when talking to someone that falls into bad conversation habits regularly.

Do you want to be that person?

Behavioral Hacks to Reverse Apathy

I’m all about psychology and behavior science, and this is a perfect opportunity to apply them. Trust me, it’s like 21st century magic. Great stuff.

Let me stress that I am not a behavioral scientist nor psychologist (yet). I’m studying to become one of the two. However, I have tested these methods, and I believe that they’re useful.

So, how you do you use behavioral magic to overcome apathy?

Here’s a few ideas.

The Social Pose

Everyone and their mother talks about using better body language to make yourself look more confident.

That’s one advantage of good body language. Another advantage is that body language affects you directly.

The way you convey yourself through your body language impacts how you actually feel and perceive yourself. What I’ve noticed is that this transfers to being present in conversations. If you consciously use body language that says, “I’m in this conversation,” it’s easier to stay in the moment.

I call this “the social pose,” and this is how to do it:

• Make eye contact with the current speaker often. If you’re at a group meal, don’t keep your eyes buried in your meal. Look at the person who’s speaking, and you’ll force yourself to listen to them.
• Sit up straight, and look around the room. When you’re not making eye contact, make sure you still look “open.” You can do this by having good posture and looking at others in the room or at the table.
• Remove other distractions. Don’t look at your phone or have other fidgety tasks you can do. Ideally, you want to make it so the only way you won’t be bored is by talking to others.

Practice the social pose, and make your best effort to stay present in the conversation.

Other Tips

The social pose not working for you? Here’s some other tips:

• Keep conversation starters ready. Put together a list of thirty to one hundred quality conversation starters on your phone. These must be good conversation starters that you can use with anyone. This is important because you want to be able to use them anywhere without having to think, “will this be okay to say?” When you notice yourself mentally checking out of a conversation, you will have an easy way to make the conversation more engaging.
• Find a way to engage every conversation. This is easier said than done. It’s hard to figure out how to talk about the categorical imperative in Kantian ethics in a room full of philosophers. Two good techniques to keep in mind:
  • Ask genuine questions. Listen to the conversation as much as you can to find an actual, interesting question to ask. It’s ok if you know nothing about the topic; that’s what the question is for. Most people won’t be bothered if your questions add to the conversation.
  • Add your humor (in fun conversations). Sometimes, you don’t know what to say because the conversation is shallow or purely humorous. In this situations, just say whatever comes to mind. You’re not expected to be the next Plato in these types of conversations. Be as funny or witty as you can be, and don’t take yourself too seriously.

Hope these help in beating your bad conversation habits!

Keep Calm and Talk On

Continue improving your people skills. As you fight apathy, you will find that your desire and ability to improve grows. Keep practicing by having more and more conversations.

There’s really nothing aside from deliberate practice that will help your conversational skills otherwise. You can read as much advice as you want, but your mind needs to be in social situations to absorb the information. As you talk to more people without apathy, having good conversations will become second nature.

Keep calm and talk on.

Check out this list of the definitive bad conversation habits if you don’t already know what they are.

QOTD: Are you apathetic in your conversations?

I want to add value to your life through MyronHighsmith.com. If you liked this and want more, follow me via. email to get posts like this one regularly.