Describing how I feel about social isolation is difficult.
Social isolation actually isn’t bad for your mental health. It just means that you spend time away from other people. Everyone needs that. Social isolation can cause bad things—like loneliness—or it can improve you. How you use social isolation changes how isolation influences you.
That’s why I have mixed feelings about it.
Look, I’m an extrovert. Keeping me in extended social isolation is like slow roasting me over a hot grill. My only consolation is that other extroverts are slow roasting right beside me.
However, social isolation has also become a Wise Teacher for me. This Wise Teacher made me look inside myself and understand myself. I faced old struggles that fought back like dragons, but I won the battle. My Wise Teacher trained me to be a Thoughtful Hero.
One of my inner dragons was Insecurity. He would say:
You aren’t good enough. Get better. You need people to like you. Get a beautiful girlfriend to be happy. You need social status. Take it all for yourself, now!
I killed him.
Then I learned this: chasing acceptance from others is stupid, and I want to dedicate my life to helping lonely people instead.
This left me in a dilemma because the worldwide lockdown makes it impossible to meet new people—to reach lonely people. Still, I had to accept social isolation and reject insecurity. That’s when I realized that even though I can’t see people now, I can still improve my people skills.
The tips I will share here are habits I have practiced, and in the few social interactions I have had, they have helped immensely.
They may or may not help you, but I recommend giving them a try!
Work
The first tip is simple: work.
I’m getting tired of beating this particular dead horse, so here’s a link and a quote to explain:
By [work] I don’t necessarily mean a passion or anything like that. Just pick something you find interesting, and work hard at getting better at it. Communities naturally form around shared interests. People like doing things they enjoy with other people. Even if you aren’t good at holding conversations, you can still do things with others, and having that human presence provides opportunities to improve your social skills. With a skill, you will have a better chance of finding a good community.
It’s best if this [work] is something mentally engaging or physically nuanced. Chess or reading is an example of the former. Sewing and kayaking are examples of the latter. Playing an instrument fits both categories.
A simple technique is to start a conversation about your interests, then ask questions that your conversation partner can relate to. For example, if you like cooking, talk about a new dish you’ve tried recently. After you’ve spoken, ask the other person if they like experimenting with new ideas or hobbies … Good questions will be about the other person’s motivations and emotions. Talk about your motivations and emotions.
In short, find something that you want to get better at, and do it. This can be your actual work if your job is an interesting, accessible conversation topic. Doing this means when you do talk with others, you’ll probably have at least one good topic ready at all times. That will improve your people skills.
Read
I’m a total book nerd.
Books are to me what Netflix and video games are to most people. I love reading. (I can hear your gasps and shrieks already!)
You should pick up a book you’re interested in and read it.
This has a very similar effect to the first tip. Reading books will fill your brain with interesting facts and tidbits even if you don’t remember everything you read. You can start conversations about the books you read, or you can use concepts you learn from books as conversation topics.
This even works with fiction books. Well written fiction—fantasy and sci-fi especially—will sharpen your wit and improve your humor if you pay attention to how the characters speak and act. It’s not an overnight process by any means, but I have seen long-term improvements in my social skills through reading fiction. It may improve your people skills too.
Additionally, reading is great for your brain, and it’s still good entertainment. You get leisure and learning in one package. What’s not to love?
Basically, reading is really versatile.
Think
After about two years of improving my social skills, I plateaued.
I had good conversational skills, many friends, and little to no anxiety approaching strangers. Yet, I still felt awkward. I was still awkward. This nagged at me for months. I paid no attention to the fact, and I refused to slow down and think about it.
Without thinking about it, improving was nearly impossible.
COVID-19 cancelled my social life and gave me an opportunity to reassess. After just a few weeks, two realizations hit me.
- My awkwardness wasn’t just awkwardness. I felt awkward because my conversations always had ulterior motives. My insecurity pushed me to get others’ approval, and I would do that through conversations. My awkwardness was actually insecurity and authenticity. Without giving up the need for acceptance, I couldn’t have smooth conversations.
- The solution was really easy. Just stop incessantly “taking a genuine interest in others” and figure out what I was interested in. (Not that being interested in others is bad.)
Simple, right? All it took was a little thought.
That’s why you should reflect on your people skills. Where can you improve? What unhealthy emotions are you dealing with? How can you connect with others?
Answer those questions and make your improvement more focused.
My method involves journaling. I write down my strong and weak areas in my journal. Then, I brainstorm ideas to lean into my strengths and better my weaknesses. I put those ideas into practice, and I keep what works while discarding what doesn’t.
Closing Note
These tips are about building a healthier life first and allowing that to naturally improve your people skills.
You might think, “This is useless and irrelevant,” but, frankly, it is probably better than most typical self help advice. The self help and self improvement movement encourages many unscientific claims and plain fraud. In contrast, living a healthy life by working well, exercising, maintaining a good diet, and relaxing drastically improves quality of life. That’s just science.
When my lifestyle became healthier, that also improved my people skills.
Expect more posts like this on the blog that explore my personal habits and practices. I have become rather disillusioned with self help products that use “science” and promise instant transformation. These tips won’t do that for you, but they have helped me over time.
There’s another project that I have in the works as well, and it is a fascinating long form post. It’s also supported by scientific research. Stay tuned for it.
QOTD: How have your people skills gotten better (or worse) in social isolation?
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